Introduction

While there are many blessings of being a church leader family, you can also fear that, because of your vocation, your children’s faith will be damaged and they may turn away from God.

It is true that your children will be impacted and shaped by your vocation (just as all children are impacted and shaped by their parents’ lives). Your job, therefore, is to help your children navigate the difficult bits well and help them go on their own adventure with God, so that your family doesn’t just survive, but thrive!

We’ll be looking at how to do this well under four headings:

• Connected (this session)
• Prioritised (session 2)
• Covered (session 3)
• Empowered (session 4)

Your children need to feel fully connected to you. Think about a novice skydiver on their first flight in tandem with an experienced instructor. The thing that makes the novice feel safe is knowing that they are tightly and fully connected to the instructor, because he knows how to make everything work properly – then the novice can relax and enjoy the adventure.

As church leaders you are on the great adventure of ministry and your children come with you. What will help them get through the adventure well is a strong connection with you. You therefore need to figure out what helps your children feel connected to you so you can help them flourish even through tough stuff.

The problem of the hat dance

You can feel like you have two hats: a church leader hat and a parent hat. The problem is that in ministry, the two roles often seem to coincide. You can struggle to know which hat you are wearing at particular time; you and your family can feel the stress of trying to wear the right hat at the right time. You can feel like you are being pulled in opposite directions. But actually, you aren’t two different people: you are one person whom God has called to both ministry and parenthood.

Develop a language of connection

One of the most powerful things you can do is to build a language of connection with your children so that they can recognise and name when they feel disconnected from you. Discover what language works for you and once they have that language you can use it to problem-solve how they are feeling.

Growing connection in the midst of ministry

Your children need to know they are connected to you everywhere you are together – at home or at church. You can help your kids learn how to access connection with you in the midst of ministry, and you can learn how to grow connection with your kids right in the middle of the busiest service. The aim is to create a steady flow of connection so your kids never stop feeling connected to you, even when you are busy with your job.

Gary Chapman’s love languages

Identifying which love languages your children have helps you to proactively build connection with each one separately. As they grow and change, you can adapt, so that you know that in the midst of your ministry you can always connect with them.

Creating Windows

Creating a window into how you deal with the big complicated bits of church – and who God is in that – helps your children to understand the heart of what’s going on and to see how they can manage it themselves.

Framing

By explaining what they are looking at, you can create a framework so they can understand everything well – whether it’s why people go to traditional services or why someone got upset with you. Research suggests that the primary cause of church leaders’ children walking away from faith and the church is that no one talked about church conflict; if children don’t have a place to understand and process church conflict, they won’t know how to understand it or cope with it.

Family stress and hypocrisy

Sometimes, the pressure of the church hat can mean that your kids see you performing differently for the church congregation – one minute you are scolding them, the next you have a big smile on your face, welcoming everyone. If this isn’t framed for your children, they may misinterpret this as meaning that they have to perform for the church or that you are hypocritical.

Language matters

It’s possible to unwittingly reinforce the competition of needs by the way you talk about your ministry. Shifting to ‘it’s a work thing’ helps to emphasise your disappointment and reinforce your desire for connection with your child, so they can see that their priority in your life is still strong.

Communicate the yes

Communicate where they do have permissions to do things, rather than where they don’t.

Choose to be a parent

Give yourself permission to be a parent while you are leading! Children need us to be a parent at all times, and there are times when you will need to be a parent in the midst of ministry. Work to create a culture in your church, your leadership and your teams where you are for each other’s families.

The stress of flexibility

While being a church leader can mean you have the flexibility to adjust your schedule to turn up at school or take a child out for lunch, children can find the unpredictability of this stressful.

Two ways to reduce the stress of flexibility:

Make a calendar

When children can see and understand their parents’ schedule, a lot of the stress of flexibility is removed.

Be faithful

When you are faithful to the schedule, to the arrangements you have made with your children, it reinforces their priority in your life.

Be fully present

Your schedule might allow you to watch a movie with your kids in the afternoon, but they want you to be fully present, your mind and attention as well as your body.

Three ways to be fully present:

1. Don’t multitask
2. Use bridging activities
3. Ditch the phone

Be clear about when you’re working and when you’re not

When you are clear about when you are working and when you’re not, it removes the uncertainty for children. You may need to be creative in how you do this, using schedules, signs, timers or lists.

Use your flexibility superpower

Your flexible work patterns mean that you can connect with your family at unexpected or unusual times, or adapt your working hours for holidays or other events.

Create spaces for the ‘yes’

Work out what level of interruption you are happy with and help your children understand how that works, so they are clear that they are prioritised and you will make space for that.

The Five Key Tools

• Creating Windows
• Framing
• Unwinding
• Chat and Catch
• Surfing the Waves

The five values of church

There are things about church that we love and value. It’s so much more than simply being present: church is a deep and powerful blessing God has given us that we want our children to know too. You can proactively disciple your children and teens in these values and so help them experience the beauty of the church.

1 Draw near to God

2 Radically love

3 Spur and be spurred on

4 Find purpose in the body of Christ

5 Pursue the Spirit

The six-stage circle

Finding your child’s next step using the five values of church

Children and teens don’t always like being in church. But there is so much more to church than just being present in services and groups. You can use the six-stage circle to disciple your child in any of the values of church – or anything you love about church – to help them find their next steps.

What next?

We do hope that you have enjoyed this course and that you are already seeing the fruits in you and your family’s life. Of course, this is just a beginning, and we’d love to continue supporting you in this journey.

Tell us how it went

We’d love to hear how you got on. Your feedback helps us shape and improve what we offer for churches and for parents. One easy way to let us know what you thought is through our online community on BRF Online.